Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
