It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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