true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
