smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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