Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
