you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Randomize
