how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
