This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
