i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
