Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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