"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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