i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
