from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
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I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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