If i could tip my vagina, i would.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
