That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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