Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize