I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
