they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
