Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
