one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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