you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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