I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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