my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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