Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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