There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
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What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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