Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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