Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
