Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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