i love accidental penises.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
