I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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