Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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