So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
foreskin is a definite game changer
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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