I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
