Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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