does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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