Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
