dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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