when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
