I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
