I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
