you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
