Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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