I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Are we still banned from the library?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
