at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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