The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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