i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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