Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
