It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
the liver wants what the liver wants
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
