so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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