She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
