fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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