it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
