the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
