I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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