I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
