apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
