Your dad touched me again.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
