my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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