before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
