If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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