I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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